Is your Partner Stonewalling or Shutting Down?

 If you are familiar with the Gottman Method, you already know to avoid the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). Research shows that these behaviors predict divorce to a disturbingly accurate degree. But understanding whether your partner is stonewalling or simply shutting down due to nervous system overdrive can be difficult, as the outward signs look the same: Your partner is avoiding you. No eye contact. No verbal response to your inquiries. Retreating to a separate space. This behavior could last hours or days.

The difference between stonewalling and shutting down is that stonewalling is an intentional act by your partner to block you out. In contrast, shutting down is involuntary and takes place when your partner is so flooded they simply need to remove themselves from the situation. Shutting down happens when your partner reaches their tipping point. In polyvagal theory, we call this the dorsal vagal state. The nervous system responds to signals of perceived threat, and the body is not able to fight or fight so it simply plays dead—a last ditch attempt for survival in our reptilian brains. There is no intention here; it all takes place subconsciously.

For neurodiverse couples, the distinction between stonewalling and shut down carries additional significance. If your partner is Autistic, be careful to assume too quickly that they are stonewalling. Autistic shutdown can take place due to sensory or emotional overload and involves a heightened need to retreat. The part of the brain that handles speech becomes inaccessible. Again, this looks like stonewalling from the outside but there is no desire to shut you out—it is simply an involuntary response to stimuli in excess of the nervous system's capacity.

The good news is that whether you are dealing with stonewalling or shut down, the antidote is the same: self regulation for both of you. Learning more about how to bring your nervous systems to a state of calm will allow you and your partner to carry on with your dispute resolution from a grounded state where you can both listen to each other. Make a commitment to regroup with your partner at a specific time. Aim for a balance that gives you both a chance to stabilize without letting the conflict linger too long.