Boundaries make relationships better

What beliefs do you hold about boundaries? What comes up for you when you think about boundaries you set (or want to set) and boundaries others direct towards you?

It is normal to feel discomfort when discussing boundaries. In relationships we are taught to avoid friction and accommodate our partners’ needs as best we can. Setting boundaries can look like big departures from those norms.

At the same time, ignoring our boundaries and stretching ourselves too thin in service of our relationships may leave us feeling resentful and burnt out. Stating our needs before we get to that point of negative overload can mitigate future conflict.

Couples in my practice often struggle to ask each other for what they want or need. They think their partner already knows (or should know). Notice how much you are demanding of your partner by holding this expectation. Your partner is not a mind reader, despite best efforts.

Here’s an alternative suggestion: Stop trying to read your partner’s mind, and stop hoping they will read yours. Instead, ask for what you need. Allow them to ask you the same. If your partner cannot meet your need, allow that to be ok and consider other ways to meet it. Build a culture in your relationship where these conversations become the norm.