Recipe for Repair
Couples often struggle with how to make a solid repair attempt. The stakes are high; we do not want to say anything we do not mean. At the same time, we do not want to further escalate. When couples in my practice are ready to make a repair, I like to offer them some guidance to set up the conversation for success.
The most important reminder is that the repair attempt is not the time to continue negotiating on content. If you are still in that stage, you are not yet ready to make a good faith repair. A simple test for this is to ask yourself if you can take accountability for your behavior without saying the word “but” or trying to justify what you did. If not, it does not mean anything is wrong; it simply reveals information about where you are at in processing the conflict. You are not yet ready for the repair stage to begin.
If and when you are ready, here is a framework I suggest implementing. It is flexible and open to adaptation to meet your and your partner’s needs.
Recognize Impact
Make sure you understand the impact of your behavior on your partner (ask clarifying questions if your partner consents to this).
Attempt to understand your partner's perspective as best you can, with an open heart and assuming good intentions on their behalf.
Summarize and validate your partner's reality (e.g., "it makes sense to me how you saw this"), even if you do not agree with them entirely.
Take Responsibility
What do you regret, specifically?
What do you wish to apologize for (e.g., "I'm sorry that I...")? The more specific you can be, the better this lands for your partner.
What was your contribution to these events?
Focus on the impact of your behavior, not your intent. Even if you were not trying to cause harm, you are taking accountability for how your actions affected your partner.
Offer a Remedy
What will you do differently to prevent a recurrence going forward? If you keep apologizing for the same things over and over without making any behavior changes, your apologies will lose credibility.
Name the changes to you are committing to making.
Internally attend to any concerns you might have about executing these changes. If needed, direct resources to reduce the friction in implementing them.
Check your Mindset
Center the person you impacted, not yourself.
Understand that forgiveness is not an entitlement. Just because you are doing everything right in structuring your repair attempt does not mean your partner owes you redemption.
If your partner is not ready to forgive, inquire if there is anything else they may need from you.
Let this be a process; it may unfold in stages.
Bring Curiosity to Your Partner’s Response
I often see couples not looking at each other while making repair attempts. I understand this impulse well. A repair attempt is an act of vulnerability, and adding eye contact to the dialogue can feel even more intense. But you are missing out on meaningful information when you do not notice your partner’s face. Is what you are saying landing well? Are they taking it in? If so, you may want to relish this moment because it can produce an oxytocin response and make you feel closer. Is something blocking them from receiving your repair? This may be an indicator to slow down and see where things got stuck.
You do not need to make intense eye contact, but a simple glance coupled with a pause after making an apology can help orient you to where the conversation should go next.
