At an impasse in your neurodiverse relationship

It happens. For one reason or another, you find yourself in a bind with your partner: You have convinced yourself that you are right and they are wrong. They are not getting you—and the more you feel misunderstood, the more you want to dig in your heels. If only they could see your perspective, admit how wrong they were, and repent for how they made you feel, this conflict could be in the past. Why are they not getting it?

This bind is particularly common for neurodiverse couples due to differences in neurological wiring, processing styles, and communications styles. On top of these differences, neurodiverse brains tend to orient towards rigidity in making sense of their experiences. Both logic and comfort derive from trusting that the world is knowable and principles apply consistently. But while a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mindset has merit in certain contexts, it can lead to relationship gridlock.

I am not the first couples therapist to preach that you can be right or happy (thank you to all the giants on whose shoulders I stand), but let’s break it down. Between you and your partner is a relationship bank, and every contact you make with this person you chose to share your life with is either a deposit or a withdrawal. You have a choice. Are you increasing goodwill or building a bigger wall?

It may not seem like a choice in the heat of the moment. But I have seen with my own eyes: With practice, even in the depths of frustration, you can bring more intention to your communications. This is the secret sauce for how to build a neurodiverse relationship that stands the tests of time.

So how do you make a deposit into the relationship bank when all you see is your own position? As a couples therapist I turn to you, not your partner. In this moment it does not matter if your partner is right or wrong. You are in complete control of yourself but no one else. Take some time to explore your commitment to your position and what is at stake for you and your relationship if you choose to be so wedded to rigidity on this point. See if you can invite some flexibility into your mindset. Explore your tolerance for the idea that your partner sees things differently, and for valid reasons: Each brain has its own perspective based on its own worldview and experience. This is a fact, not a problem to be solved.

It may help to go to a private space and designate a few moments to yourself so you have room to go deeper on this. Consider engaging in some gentle self soothing — a warm blanket, cup of tea, your favorite music, light movement. Self soothing can be particularly impactful for neurodiverse brains due to tendencies toward sensory overload or shutdown, but the range of experiences requires an individual exploration of needs, not a one-size-fits-all response.

When you are ready, go back to your partner and make one small deposit. Something as simple as, “hey, what you are saying makes sense to me” or “I see where you are coming from” (you do not have to concede, just give a little benefit of the doubt). Pay attention to what happens next between the two of you.

If this step feels inaccessible, or if your deposit does not shift the dialogue towards repair, notice what is getting in the way. This may be a sign that you and your partner need to go back to the basics. I help neurodiverse couples through this work every day. If you would like guidance putting any of this into practice, please reach out.