Internal Family Systems (IFS)-Based Couples Therapy

You are clear on what is wrong in your relationship.

If only your partner would stop triggering you – stop using those specific words or doing that one thing – everything would be fine. The constant triggers leave you reeling, like the rug was pulled out from under your feet.

But you are at a loss for how to fix it.

Despite your knowledge of precisely where your relationship falls short, the cyclical moments of anger, escalation, withdrawal, and shutdown remain as painful as ever. 

There is a difference between identifying the challenging relationship dynamics and knowing how to make lasting change. IFIO bridges that gap by offering a way for you to be more present with yourself and access more choice in how you respond to triggers by your partner.

IFIO is a non-pathologizing couples therapy model that deepens connections with self and others.

It offers gentle exercises to increase insight and foster healing of emotional wounds arising in relationships, allowing couples to disrupt destructive patterns and shift towards deeper alignment. 

IFIO is different from other couples therapy models because it asks each of you to turn towards your own experiences rather than focusing solely on what your partner is saying, doing, or experiencing.

How does it work?

• We start with clarifying your individual and shared goals. Aligning on goals allows us to proceed with mutual understanding and consent about where to focus our attention. Changing relationship patterns is not easy. Without clarity on your goals and intentions, we stall out in the early stages of our work. 

• Next, the therapist will ask you to identify an issue you want to work on in the session. Each of you will have a chance to briefly describe your side of the story and how this issue affects you.

• The therapist will then ask each of you, one at a time, to go deeper into your internal experience and mentally trace the connection between your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Couples find this exercise differs from other conversations about relationship conflicts that focus outward on their partners, away from themselves. The IFIO exploration increases self understanding. We also increase your partner’s understanding of you by creating space for them to witness your internal examination and listen to your insights.

• We explore the impact of your partner’s actions on your internal experiences. Then we move to examining how your partner responds to your actions, until all three of us are clear on what this dance looks like between the two of you. 

• Through this process couples see that the words and actions they communicate to each other are only the tip of the iceberg. Accessing the internal layers beneath these words and actions can reveal the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and interpretations left unsaid.

• When we see how much we do not communicate directly, we can learn more about the parts of ourselves that we may hide, whether purposely or not. We can also take some accountability for our partner’s misunderstandings or misinterpretations in our communications.

This process leads to both healing and repair.

IFIO gently pushes you to take better care of yourself in relationship, change the trigger/response dynamic, and be more present with your partner.